


Growing Pains (Until I Forget About Him)

by K1mHeechu1



Series: I’ll take care of you until the end [7]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Quarantink, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/pseuds/K1mHeechu1
Summary: ‘What defines us as human beings is the way we feel things, but what defines us as a person is how much we dare to feel.’Or: Yuzuru has always known he had a soulmate. This is his story.
Relationships: Javier Fernández & Yuzuru Hanyu, Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: I’ll take care of you until the end [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719667
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Growing Pains (Until I Forget About Him)

**Author's Note:**

> So... a little late, aren't I?  
> This is my answer to the fifty-fifth -and last- prompt of this challenge: String.  
> This was not what I planned on writing for this prompt (you can ask the friend that has the original soulmate-y plot, they'll tell you how badly I deviated from my plans) but it is what felt right for me to write right now.  
> How funny is it, that I wrote so many happy fluffy things for this challenge, and made it sad at the last second, lol.  
> Oh well, nothing we can do about it!  
> Million thanks to Swanyu_Tales, that will beta this and then I'll update with her corrections tomorrow, bc it's 1.30 AM and I'm falling asleep.  
> Happy reading!!

I knew from the time I was 8 when the back of my foot started itching and throbbing, that I would have a soulmate. 

When I was 12, I started seeing the dark smudges that would turn into words in a few years, and I couldn't wait until they actually became words and I could know who it was that I was destined to spend forever with. I couldn't wait to meet the person that would be on my side for the rest of my life.

When I was 17, I properly met him. We had spoken before, shared competitions and podiums, nothing more than a few polite words in broken English and handshakes. He became my best friend, and isn't that sad? The fact that my biggest competitor also became my best friend? Or isn't it sadder that I'm one hundred percent aware that he was my best friend, but I wasn't his?

When I was 17, I started falling in love with my best friend. It was pathetic, how much I looked at him like he hung the stars and the moon. 

When I was 18, I was finally able to read the words on the back of my foot. I wished I wasn't able to. I wished I could get them to go away, that I could change them for something else. But I couldn't, they were there to stay.

And, how foolish of me. To think I would finally have someone that was mine to have, mine to keep, mine to love. Of course I wouldn't.

Yet, I still tried to be with him as much as I could, tried to joke around, to help him become better, to be better myself, to make myself someone worthy of him.

There's things that look tiny, but brand our souls like hot iron. Feelings we want to repeat, no matter how, things that only you can understand. 

What defines us as human beings is the way we feel things, but what defines us as a person is how much we dare to feel.

I felt things strongly and threw myself into absolutely everything I did, said and chose. 

I felt so much that, at one point, I burned myself with how hot that flame was. So I decided to stop feeling. I avoided him, I threw myself into my skating, into winning absolutely everything, with even more fervour than I ever had before. And then I focused on something else, focused so much, that I almost burned my body down just as I had my heart. I stopped being able to move, to do things... and I stopped being able to feel.

Can you even live if you lose the ability to feel things? You stop feeling and start drifting away from everything you ever were, you stop being yourself to the point that you forget who you are.

I forgot who I was for months, stuck away from the ice, still avoiding him, still trying to ignore the throbbing pain on my foot that had absolutely nothing to do with the injury that adorned it and everything to do with the two words branded on my skin.

When I was finally able to go back to the ice, I decided, you know what? To hell with everything. I was going to feel, to talk, to play, to skate, to soar. I didn't even care anymore. 

I started talking to him again, I started joking around, and training, and trying my best. 

I won. He won as well, he got the medal that had slipped from his fingers four years back. 

And then he told me he was done competing. It was almost the same as if he had said he was done with me. The only thing we shared was the ice, and two pesky words branded on my skin that no one had ever seen and no one would ever see. So I cried, wished him the best, and stared at the back of his hand, where the two words branded there made my heart ache every second since I had been able to read my own two words.

Because the ** _Javier Fernandez_** on my skin didn't have a matching **_Yuzuru Hanyu_** on his.

So he skated, and he was done with everything that made us a skating match made in heaven, done with everything that made us the best training mates/tentative friends/competitors in the sport.

How do you cut off the string that keeps you tied to everything you want and love? How do you move forward when your entire life is behind you?

Love hurts, memories hurt. It hurts, remembering his face, his voice, trying to think about what he could possibly be doing every day.

We were a team, we complemented each other, and without him, I would've never gotten where I did. 

Today, I try to erase him from my skin, I yell and cry and sob, I try to hate him until I can forget about him.

I need to forget about him because he was never mine to have, to love, to keep.

Because he was my soulmate, but I wasn't his.

Before, everything meant Javi. The ice, a particular blend of coffee, the smell of his aftershave, the language I kept trying to learn to be closer to him, the country I went to a handful of times but that felt like home because it felt like him, a song, a movie, cats.

How do I rip him out of every single thought I have?

I'll have to get mad at every single memory and moment lived. I'll need to get furious at every little thing that reminds me of Javi.

I'll need to get mad at everything that means Javi in my head, mad enough to hate him.

And then, I'll need to hate him until I can forget about him.

Because Javier Fernandez will never be anything other than the best example of how **I'm not meant to have things that are just for me.**

Because Javier Fernandez will always be just another example of _how cursed Yuzuru Hanyu is._

Because Javier Fernandez will never be my soulmate. 

Because I'm not _**his.**_

So he can't be **_mine._**

**Author's Note:**

> You can yell at me in the comments if you want.
> 
> If you are over 18 and want to come chat with me and a bunch of other amazing writers from the FS RPF fandom, consider yourself warmly invited to [our Discord server](https://discord.gg/DyxBV5mXg2), where we talk about figure skating, ships, plots, angst and fluff and kink, and a plethora of other topics.
> 
> Find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/K1mHeechu1) (plz, I need more Twitter friends! It'd be nice to have more people to talk to!), [Instagram](https://instagram.com/k1mheechu1/) and [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/K1mHeechu1)


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